10 Characters you’ll encounter when travelling to a festival by bus
The bus… Personally I’d rather walk till I’m in treacherous pain from the blisters on my feet than have to sit inside of this nightmare-on-wheels. I wholeheartedly believe that this public transport vehicle is pure torture. The climate is always horrible, people smell, the seats are way too small and somehow bus drivers always imagine being the reincarnation of Ayrton Senna.
But then, commuting to a festival with this torturous device is the best pre-party that one can have – and I know a lot of you can relate. Suddenly, the bus turns into this crazy circus on wheels. The music gets so distorted by cheap-ass speakers that you only hear the bass, making it irrelevant as to which track is on. Instantly, a place arises where people begin consuming a mammoth amount of drugs that’d even prompt Pablo Escobar to rise from his grave.
But the best is yet to come.
For me, the entire ride is so highly entertaining because, for some surreal coincidence, there are always the same intriguing characters on board and today I’m going to run you through the stereotypical bus-takers.
1. “The wannabe DJ”
Even before entering, this person has made it clear that everyone should hear his CD or mixtape; because “it’s the ‘best’ CD ever made, mate.”
Is the CD-player already occupied? No worries, this person will whine every five minutes that his mix is so much louder than “the pussy music that is now been played.”
2. “The 24/7”
Even before entering the bus this person has taken more drugs than a regular person will in his entire life. And you’d think that this absolute menace would be tired after the festival? No buddy, no! He will walk back and forth, bouncing up and down, keeping everyone from sleeping till he arrives home; that jitterbug.
3. ”The Barbie”
If you thought this girl was already wearing way too much make-up… Think again! Just before arrival she suddenly conjures a fortune of make-up out of her purse. For some magical reason this eager gal just so happens finds some spots on her face that are not yet fully covered with powder.
4. “The drug addict”
This person takes speed in such a phase that it’ll have you wondering if he’s going in for the Guinness book of world records. Even before the wheels start to spin, this man has already bumped up his first couple of lines. And like a real champ, he will keep the lines going until the bus arrives.
5. “The whiner”
Often, this person goes to his first festival and has no clue whatsoever. Neatly, he stuck away his frustrations on the way to the festival, but on the way back… “The music is way too loud, my feet hurt, I feel disgusting, and it is way too noisy to sleep.” Welcome to the real-world pussy!
6. “The deaf person”
Distorted music hurting your ears? He simply does not give a fuck. “Push it to the limit!” He only enjoys the music when the volume could blow up the entire bus making the scene look like a bomb attack on an international drug cartel. Psycho…
7. “The fanatic”
You’d better not to sit next to this person, unless you want to be constantly engaged in a conversation about his ‘favourite tracks at the moment.’ Ooh, and your favourite track differs from him? Prepare for a debate in Jersey shore style, because he won’t quit until you agree with him.
8. “The momma”
Yes, there is always this girl that acts like the nanny of the ride. Are you hungry? She brought an entire banana plantation. Are you thirsty? She has plenty of water. Dry lips? You get your own private lip balm. Peed your pants? Borrow her sanitary napkins. Yea, we would not survive without her.
9. “The shitter”
No fucking clue what this person has eaten the day before? You better be sure when he decides to go mental on the toilet. While everyone is dying, he looks utterly proud of his creation. Bastard.
10. “The everybody’s friend”
For some mysterious reason this person possesses the special gift of knowing all the passengers after five minutes. He changes seats faster than an average football manager in Italia and talks smoother than Donald Trump’s hair. No one knows what to do with this annoying fellow, but everyone just let him be.