10 ‘species’ of people you’ll find in the artist lounge
For the party-people rocking out in the crowd, you may have caught your eyes wandering up onto the VIP deck or behind the stage to the glorious backstage area to take a peek at what your favourite artist is doing, or who they’re speaking to. It may seem like a world of wonders up there – and it totally is, but there’s so much more to the ‘backstage’ area than a bunch of artists drinking their body weight in free alcohol.
The artist lounge really is the place to be, and today we’re going to run you through a handful of ‘species’ you’ll typically find back there.
#1 – DJ’s drunken girlfriends
First up, we have the exemplary girlfriend who, to put it plainly, just loves to party. Characterised by being totally wasted, these young ladies spend their time backstage running around chatting to whoever looks fascinating enough. Most of the time, DJ’s girlfriends are extremely friendly, display significant intellectual value and sometimes even socialise on behalf of their significant other. Unlike professionals who are subject to scrutiny regarding their alcohol (or drug) intake in a party environment, DJ’s girlfriends aren’t judged as much. This means that these lovely ladies can get as wrecked as they please without any shame!
#2 – The overly serious ‘music industry professional’ who’s judging everybody
For DJ’s or professionals looking to get absolutely turnt in the backstage area or artist lounge, you’d better attempt to keep it together when coming into contact with this next species. Considered the white knight of sobriety, this overly serious professional is the type of person to sneer the moment he or she picks up your new-found vodka scent, judging you as ‘unprofessional’. This type of professional also is most likely to bring their iPad to a festival, or spend their time on their phone checking e-mails and doing other work tasks.
#3 – Hilarious friends of the DJ’s
For those who haven’t taken the time to get to know the DJ’s friends, well, can I just say that you haven’t lived yet?! Guests of the DJ are always down for a good chat, and in some cases they’re even more social than the DJ himself. With their level of drunkenness usually on-par with the drunk girlfriends, these lodgers are just here to have a good time, giving absolutely no fucks about what people think of them. May I just add that I’ve had some very insightful and interesting conversations with DJ’s friends over the years – this species of backstage bandits are totally underrated!
#4 – Antisocial DJ who only wants to sit in the corner and play on his phone
Yep, this antisocial human is a very real phenomenon… Their most distinguishing features include not speaking to other people in the lounge, unless they are deemed ‘important,’ having their head buried in their phone and only peering into the real world at intervals, displaying facial expressions of sheer boredom and just generally being a twat to people asking for a photo. Approach with caution, because this unsociable DJ is probably not in the mood for a conversation – he just wants to play his set and go home.
#5 – The friendly DJ who EVERYBODY wants a minute with
“Hey man, how are you?!”
“Yeah goo—”
“OMGGGG hey dude, long time no see!” *fist pump*
“Oh sorry excuse me, didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation…”
“Yeah no worries – how’s it go—”
“AHHHH man, what’s up?!?!”
This, ladies and gentleman, is the call of an extremely popular DJ attempting to juggle multiple conversations at once.
Typically floating around the artist lounge, this particular DJ is most likely to be caught in conversation from the moment he or she enters the lounge, right up until the moment they have to bolt for the stage to avoid being late for their set. Being the all-round solid human they are, this social butterfly doesn’t even have time to finish his drink or sit down to refuel, as he’s simply too busy conversing and catching up with literally everybody. God bless – I know I wouldn’t have the patience; I’d be all like “LET ME DRINK MY WINE IN PEACE.”
#6 – Cooked randoms on walkabout
Every spotted a bunch of cooked punters who have somehow managed to make their way from the middle of the crowd to the middle of the artist lounge in a matter of minutes? Characterised by a rapidly moving jaw and a dumfounded expression on their faces, the cooked ‘randoms’ usually cannot fathom how (or why) they’ve ended up in the artist lounge.
These people do exist, and although security can be quite tough, it’s almost like these humans can simply teleport from one place to another. These people do no harm; the majority of the time they say hello to their favourite DJ and help themselves to some free alcohol before either getting kicked out or making their merry way back to the crowd.
#7 – Groupies/ girls that the DJ’s are fucking (or will fuck)
Wherever you go, you’ll encounter the archetypal ‘hot gal’ who, in retrospect, has social climbed her way into the prestigious artist lounge. Serving absolutely no purpose to the professional sphere, groupies are here for one thing, and one thing only – to have sex with a DJ. Scanning her eyes across the lounge and observing who’s single, this gal then proceeds to engage in conversation with them. For outgoing people or friends of artists looking for interesting people to strike up a conversation with, don’t even bother talking to this girl – you’re not her type anyway…
#8 – “I’m just here for the free food and drinks” person
Being the first to grab a plate for the buffet and making numerous trips to the bar, this person tends to congregate in the artist lounge chiefly for its hospitality. And why the fuck not?! At some festivals the food is insanely good, so props to this person for being totally candid about their objective. Shamelessly lining up for seconds, this person will then find a comfortable spot where they can eat, drink and socialise.
#9 – Uptight stage manager
“Where is Radical Redemption?! Um he’s on in 14 minutes exactly and I need to ensure he is prepared to go on stage at exactly 8:58.”
*Closing fridge door* “Are you a DJ?! Then no, you cannot touch this fridge – please go away.”
“Excuse me, what are you doing back here? No, you are not allowed to get on stage to take a photo of the DJ you manage… No, I don’t give a f*ck about who you are.”
Sound familiar? These, right here, are some famous last words from the uptight stage manager who’s nothing more than a migraine-and-a-half. Although this person just wants to do their job correctly and succeed in getting all of the artists on stage in time, as well as make sure that guests don’t go roaming through the backstage fridge, this particular species could really use a Xanax.
#10 – DJ who ‘accidentally’ took MDMA and is desperately trying to hide how cooked they are
DJ’s are people too, meaning that sometimes they also have the sudden urge to party hard and take a buttload of drugs. Displaying massive pupils, this species is also attempting to stay in control of their jaw, which is clenching harder than a pro-weightlifter’s muscles benching 150. When you spot a cooked DJ, the most important thing to do is not judge them, but party with them as well as commend them for letting loose and having a good time.
Well, that’s a wrap! We hope you enjoyed yet another edition of our hilariously accurate stereotypes and hope that you’ll pop your inspection goggles on next time you find yourself in the artist lounge. Till next time!