Festival season is usually a time of celebration, sun and a shit-ton of alcohol, but who knew that individuals could embark on learning some valuable life lessons during these beloved months? Most of us walk into festival season with the sole mission to party and create some great memories, however towards the end we realise that some of our fondest memories were the more unfortunate ventures such as sleeping in a drenched tent at Defqon.1 or being stranded on the German border after Q-BASE… Today, I’m here to review and share some of the valuable things I learned this season.

1. Arrange your rides in advance; otherwise you WILL end up in the middle of nowhere
Considering that organisations like to torment foreigners by putting their festivals in the middle of butt-fuck-nowhere, it is very important that you solidify a lift home before you get into party mode. If you’re like me and enjoy rocking up fashionably late to a festival, this cancels out the option of hitching a ride with Event Travel busses. Finding another option BEFORE you get obliterated is highly recommended otherwise once you are in your turnt state you may very well believe that a bunch of fairies will carry you home and tuck you into bed. If you do decide to stand in the parking lot and hitch a ride with a bunch of strangers, please make sure that they are not driving to Belgium… Even if it seems like a good idea at the time, you do not want to end up in Belgium…

Lesson learnt: at WiSH Outdoor when I was literally stranded in the middle of nowhere and arrived home at 5AM after two very, very expensive taxi rides.

2. ALWAYS bring a toothbrush and spare clothes
You will never know where your bender will take you and let’s face it, bendering in a fresh set of clothes with brushed teeth is a hygienic experience that all cooked cunts must partake in. But c’mon, after an entire day of dancing and drinking, it’s highly likely that you’re in need of a shower so always remember to pack for an overnight stay if you’re expecting to have a belter of an after-party with your mates. You’d actually be surprised how much better your hangover will feel the next day if you wake up in a fresh set of clothes with brushed teeth – this is something that I encourage, especially when you’re trekking it back home the following day.

Lesson learnt: Mysteryland afterparty – when I was the most cheerful cupcake after finding my toothbrush, toothpaste, makeup wipes and two spare changes of clothes in my bag.

3. Being a hipster pays off sometimes
Seriously, hipsters deserve more credit for their ability to tough out the environmental elements via clothing… Rain at a festival? No worries – chuck on a pair of Doc Marten boots and your feet will remain dry and comfortable. Not to mention, if some cunt is giving you weird looks for wearing something other than Nike’s you can also kick them in the face… If you’re wearing steel capped boots then that’ll teach the cunt some serious life lessons. In the hardstyle community, being a hipster is almost frowned upon, however after only having to clean my shoes with a makeup wipe after a muddy festival, I’d say that I’m winning at life.

Lesson learnt: Decibel Outdoor Festival, when the majority of festival goers were stuck wearing soggy and filthy Nikes, yet my Doc Martens remained fresh, as always.

4. Radical Redemption look-a-likes are a ‘thing’
“Hey! Look! It’s Radical Re– Oh… It’s just another Dutch guy wearing a ‘die bitch’ t-shirt and a cap…” The amount of times that I thought I spotted Radical Redemption can be counted on more than two hands. Rad Red’s rise to extreme popularity over the last few years has paved the way for a plethora of merchandise to be brought by his dedicated fan-base. Although playing ‘spot the rad red lookalike’ is fun, this runs the risk of festivals becoming very confusing for extremely turnt people who may or may not tap a tall Dutch guy on the shoulder and ask for a photo.

Lesson learnt: Rebirth Festival – where I counted over 20 Radical Redemption look-a-likes in the main area.

5. If you annoy a DJ enough, they may just play “Darude – Sandstorm”
Seriously, it’s true. If a DJ doesn’t listen to their fans then this puts their reputation at risk and will make them look like an ignorant asshole, so technically if enough people request to have “Sandstorm” played then this collective approach could very well have this stellar hit experiencing quite some playing time. If DJ’s can drop trap in their sets then there is absolutely no excuse to not play Darude – Sandstorm. Get your muzz on and start bothering DJ’s because it seriously works, even if they make some random edit of it.

Lesson learnt: After bugging Phuture Noize for weeks on end, they dropped “Sandstorm” at Defqon.1.

6. Leather trade in The Netherlands is probably the highest among the world
I swear to God, leather pants and leather jackets are among some of the ugliest items of clothing that man has ever created – in my personal opinion, they’re up there with the creation of Crocs. As winter had clearly died off, I was expecting partygoers to maybe swap their leather for something a little more streamline (like a cardigan) but NOOOOOO, apparently tacky leather is for all seasons. Due to the extremely high volume of leather on the clothing market in The Netherlands, we could very well be heading towards some sort of environmental crisis.

However, saying this, I did see some absolute sick cunt wearing double denim at Rebirth, so there is some ounce of hope left in this world.

Lesson learnt: AT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FESTIVAL – this ‘fashion’ phenomenon makes my blood boil with ire.

7. Speedcore resembles helicopters more than actual music
I don’t know what it is that’s so appealing about speedcore but people on festival campsites have this burning desire to listen to helicopters to the point where it cuts well into the festival days. Now, I’m aware that approximately 99.9% of people blast speedcore for the entire duration of a weekend festival have racked up enough speed to invigorate an entire city, but c’mon, this is just taking the piss – SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SLEEP WITHOUT THE PRESCENCE OF CONSTANT HELICOPTERS.

To counteract this there are a few things that you can do:
A) Not camp
B) Bring earplugs
C) Don’t camp near French people.

Lesson learnt: Some of my Australian friends who were first timers with camping experienced this at The Qontinent. I warned them and they didn’t believe the extremity of this situation… Now I’m writing this point on their behalf.

*The campsite, AKA home of helicopters*

8. Foreigners are NOT sensible with Dutch pills
I can only speak on behalf of the Australian community, but where I’m from, double dropping is a standard. However, many Aussies have enough decency to know that double dropping pills in The Netherlands is a big no-go unless you want to be spending the remainder of your weekend either tripping kitties in a bush somewhere or in the medical tent. With all due respect to the international visitors but it’s always those random cooked units at the speedcore area carrying a flag other than a Dutch one who are completely off their rocker – and it’s not always in a good way. I don’t know if “take one quarter” translates to “take three” in Italian, but by the looks of the level of munt I have seen this festival season, there’s gotta be something sketchy going on. So please foreign visitors, don’t ingest three pills at once and think that all will be okay.

Lesson learnt: Rebirth Festival – when ravers carrying Spanish, French and Italian flags were undoubtedly the most cooked cunts in the festivals vicinity.

9. ‘Speed Dealers’ are actually fashionable here….?
With the recent re-trending of the 90’s and everything to do with Darude, many festival goers seem to think that wearing speed dealers will offer them ultimate protection from the sun’s rays and will up their level of swag by approximately 420%. I am all for the promotion of being a speedy unit and whole-heartedly believe that more people should embrace these wondrously designed sunglasses, even if they are taking the piss. A fun little activity I like to do at festivals is walk around and count all of the people wearing speed dealers whilst drinking as much wine as possible. At Mysteryland I spotted at least 10 entrepreneurs of speed dealers within a half an hour time frame, this is valuable research and should not be taken lightly.

Lesson learnt: Mysteryland – when at least 60% of the sunglasses I saw were speed dealers.

10. Artist lounges are fun
It’s true – they are among the loosest spots within a festival’s grounds. With all due respect to being among the crowd and dancing the day away, but how about free drinks, free food and oh, did I mention free drinks? Artist lounges are great fun, not only because you have the right to get as obliterated as possible but it’s pretty much a rule that everyone in that vicinity needs to be in a prime and turnt state. Being in the action of a festival is the main focus, however having somewhere nice to sit down for a while where the music isn’t blasting so loud can actually allow you to have an in depth chat without shouting in somebody’s ear. Not to mention, it’s quite entertaining to see the usually sober artists letting loose.

Lesson learnt: Dance Valley & Defqon.1 – where I experienced many artists and professionals in a highly obliterated state (hehe)

 

What did you learn this festival season? Let us know in the comments!